


oh, we're in love aren't we?

by unprecedence



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Drama & Romance, Gen, Hanahaki AU, Hanahaki Byeong, Hanahaki Disease, Highschool AU, M/M, Rated T for language, Romance, Slow Burn, edited finally!, esteem issues, hanahaki, i tweaked this a little bit, kind of, markhyuck, past bullying, tw: homophobic slurs
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-19
Updated: 2018-12-19
Packaged: 2019-06-29 18:14:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 17,287
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15734775
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/unprecedence/pseuds/unprecedence
Summary: Mark was okay with his mediocre life, lying low, finding shelter beneath the shadows. That was until Donghyuck, the actual sun, came along. Will he finally overcome his demons in order to fly close to the sun?(alternatively,  mark coughs up flowers and his past refrains him from actively seeking help so he seeks comfort in donghyuck's warmth)





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> helo it's me again and this is my bad attempt at angst /AND/ dialogue!  
> constructive criticisms and kudos are always welcome and I hope you enjoy.
> 
> btw I'm on [twt](https://twitter.com/markderys) !! <3

         하나하키병 _(Hanahaki Byeong,_ 花吐き病 _): n. A disease of the human system that makes it cough up flowers due to severe one-sided love. Its infection route is through contact with vomited flowers. In order to fully recover the disease, one’s love must be fulfilled._

 

* * *

 

Winds of a warm afternoon were blowing as the trees swayed calmly in Mark’s school. It was normal. Everything was normal, except today was the day Mark was supposed to meet the sender of the occasional letters he usually found at his locker.

 

_Please meet me at the back of the school building at five pm._

The note read.

He noticed the little dents at the back of the paper as if the ink was dragged with uncertainty. Despite that, the handwriting was neat, Mark noticed. Of course it was a girl—not that he had any interest in them. He knew for sure that the sender knew he never plans to part with studying and all the things he had carefully outlined which is being a doctor, for one. Now he has to conjure some words of consolation for the other party.

 

Mark didn’t enjoy these things. Normal middle school boys would take pride in receiving love confessions, but Mark was not in what they regarded at the norm. He saw these things as… _distractions_. He had little to no need of _love_ or _like_ in his life ( _with the exception of familial love, of course_ ). After all, he was gaining his momentum; he was doing what he does best. Being in a new place or school requires a lot of time to adjust but he was already comfortable with things- he is on top of his class, he no longer felt shy walking around the corridors, and other things that come with just arriving in a new environment. It wasn’t lonely. He has so much time to spend on studying and he actually enjoys reading books. He wasn’t scared of being alone or the silence that envelops him.

 

The boy finally arrived at the destination where his unknown sender wishes for him to go. His eyes scanned for someone wearing a skirt or maybe a ponytail but he found none to his annoyance. He was just about to sprint for his locker but he saw someone sitting at a bench behind the school building. Mark slowed down and approached the boy.

 

“Uh hi, have you seen someone here just a while ago?”  Despite coming to reject, Mark still had manners. 

 

The boy looked down shyly as he played with his thumbs so Mark followed up his question.

 

“I got some note asking me to come here and I just wanted to know if I’m being pranked or not.”

 

“I-I was the one who sent that.” The boy’s voice was only above a whisper.

 

“Come again?” Mark said. He was pretty sure the sender was a girl because of the neat handwriting and it was instilled in his mind that boys can only like girls and—

 

“M-Mark, I—” the boy started but his eyes started watering.

 

At this point, Mark was a bit weirded out because he was being confessed to and by a boy for that matter. A look of surprise was evident on his face as the younger boy’s eyes got dusted with tears. The boy looked fidgety. He thought his senior was clearly disgusted. He was just here to confess his feelings and get rejected in order for his ache to end. The boy did not want any regrets after he undergoes surgery.

 

“I-I like you Mark. I came here to be rejected properly. So please,” the boy stopped and bowed, “please reject me now.”

 

Mark felt like he did something wrong even if he did not. The boy looked so pitiful. He wanted to console him, but there was a lump in his throat. How do people even console another when they know they’re the cause of someone’s pain?

 

“Hey, hey. Listen. I’m pretty sure there are people other than me who deserve you. But right now all I can ever focus on is my studies, and I don’t think that will change. I do hope you forget about me quickly,” Mark said, slightly unsure. He was walking on eggshells.

 

“N-no! It’s okay Mark. I just wanted to—” the boy searched in his coat pocket for something. Then the boy produced a bunch of lilacs. “I just wanted you to take this,” the boy sadly whispered.

 

Feeling responsible for the boy’s dejection, Mark held his hands out in front of the boy while telling him, “Give it to me”.

 

Then the boy poured lilac blossoms onto Mark’s hands.

 

This was the least he can do to console a heart.

 

* * *

 

When he felt the texture of the flowers poured onto his hands, they felt strangely… soft as if they were freshly picked. Lilacs were growing nowhere near his school and he was worried the boy bought it for him. Curiosity got the best of him but the boy answered that he didn’t need to worry because he didn’t spend any money on those flowers.

 

After that, the boy bid goodbye and left Mark standing behind the school building—flowers at hand. He took out a handkerchief, spread it out, and transferred the flowers there. There wasn’t any concrete reason in his mind why he would do that but he did anyway. Mark was sprinting to the main building, handkerchief clutched gently as if afraid to soil the sweet-smelling flowers at hand.

 

Months passed after that incident and Mark could have nearly forgotten about it—if not for lilacs pressed dry in one of his books. He never dared to open it after that.

 

He just feels some strange sadness when he gazes at the flowers that were once freshly bloomed.

 

* * *

 

 

The first time Mark felt some itching in his throat was after he met Donghyuck—boisterous and full of pride. It was a bloody brawl of words which resulted to heated stares and their mutual friends breaking them up when things were starting to go below the belt. The night after their exchange, he felt an unpleasant itch in his throat.

 

The itch disappeared the next day as if it was never there in the first place. Club activities in their senior high school went on as usual. They were in a literature club and Donghyuck and his burning passion was still there. Others have learned how to turn a blind eye whenever they start bickering over which is better-poem or prose.

 

Prose, as Mark declares, is more beautiful because it’s straightforward. It immediately tells you what an author wants to convey. In his _humble_ opinion, poems are like lovers that confuse you and leave you interpreting things in a multitude of ways but never tell you what they really mean. It’s playing with you and leaving you grasping at strings unless the writer explicitly tells you what it means.

 

With that, Donghyuck sputters in pure disgust. How dare this lanky boy disrespect the art medium that he expresses himself in the most? Poems are flexible and that’s the beauty of it. It can be interpreted in a multitude of ways, unlike boring, _bland_ prose.

 

In their club room, the air is filled with whispered squabbles. The two boys didn't want to be scolded by their seniors once again, for the third time that day.

 

As days went by, they realized the comfort in debating over things. There was a weird sense of ease found in communicating with someone, Mark realized. Looking back at his middle school years, he had little to no friends. If his brother can be considered a friend, the he was his bestfriend. He wasn’t the one to lie- yes, solitude was acceptable but there was a difference in solitude and loneliness. Solitude is controlled, loneliness is longing for something and you can’t do anything about it.

 

It was only until recently that he realized, maybe he was withdrawn in the past because he had a fear of being rejected. In his past environments, people would look at him funny whenever he said he wants to be an author with a big smile plastered across his face.        

“ _That weird Asian kid wants to be an author can you believe_?”

“ _Is he going to write in chingchong_?” a kid snickers.

“ _I thought people of their kind wanted to doctors or something_ ,” another one quips.

 

Mark learned to block out the unnecessary. Having his brother by his side was comforting. He had learned that he should be careful with the words he tells Johnny because there was this one time he had been so close to have a kid bullying his brother have a taste of his own medicine.

 _Bullying_.

 

That word seems foreign to Mark.  He was strong and he knew it. People had propagated the idea that being the better person, being like people that know how to understand _and understand and understand_ are the very people who have the biggest hearts. No one had told him that having the _biggest heart_ also brings emotional constipation. Bullies don’t care whether you have the biggest heart or not. What they see is just another person being weak and they don’t really stop.

 

Those things aren’t really things that he wants other people to know; definitely not conversation material. Because of the things he went through overseas, he promised to bury those things in the deepest parts of his being. Being back in his homeland was refreshing. People were less vicious here. They can look you in the eyes and smile or ask you how are you or even greet you good morning.

 

In that other place, people weren’t really that welcoming towards him. It was okay. He understood. He didn’t fit it. Young Mark was smart and he surely can distinguish whether people like him or not. Only Johnny knows the Mark that cried in the middle of the school year because people kept telling him he had weird eyes and a weird accent. Johnny was an understanding person, so understanding that he had kept to himself what happened that night. Mark was a crying mess and lamenting how other kids called him names.

 

After that night, he made Johnny promise never to tell their parents what he had said. The older one was a bit skeptical, but he knew how their parents would go ballistic if they ever found out Mark was being bullied. So he took matters into his own hands and promised Mark that he will always be there if other people will try to hurt him.

 

 

When they finally moved away, he started his steps towards something new. His constant fear of rejection was still there, but with people like Donghyuck, _despite being a complete dick_ , maybe it’s all worth it.

 

His heart swells whenever he sees Jaemin, Jeno, Lucas, Chenle, Jungwoo, Jisung and all the other members of the literature club. Finally, he found somewhere he belongs to. That thought makes him smile at night just before he sets off for sleep. But there’s something that’s still bothering Mark. He feels… something whenever he thinks of Donghyuck that sets it apart from the platonic feelings from the people in his club. As far as he knows, he still couldn’t consider it as _romantic_ either.  Whenever he thinks of him, he feels a non-existent hole boring itself into his chest.

 

He doesn’t understand nor try to understand it. As long as they were happily interacting with each other, things were still normal.

 

 _I don’t want to screw up_ , He thinks.

* * *

 

Time passed and Mark still considers things as normal. But lately his body is telling him “ _no_ ”—particularly his throat. It was just some nuisance and at times, Mark stares off into space and he finds himself lightly scratching his neck. Sure it wasn’t a big thing. Maybe he just caught some sore throat or tonsillitis or cough.

 

Nothing’s alarming and he’s taking his medication. It couldn’t be something that will hinder his studying or club activities—no. His mother would always tell him he had a strong immune system and he wasn’t a sensitive child. Mark took pride in that. He revelled in the fact that in his entire life, he had never been confined to a hospital.

 

The progression of him and Donghyuck’s friendship is something that he takes pride in. They went from not passing a day without bickering to having actual conversations about themselves. Mark had wanted Donghyuck to know of his past. But it felt like it wasn’t the time. What was the risk of letting yourself be vulnerable around your friends? He still didn’t know. He was afraid. Would they also call him a freak? Would they call him weird?

 

Reading in the library had progressed to having lunch together with Jeno, Jaemin, Jisung, and Chenle. It was understandable since they were almost the same ages ( _with the exception of Lucas since he seems to hang around with Jungwoo a lot_ ). For the first time in his life, he felt that he belonged.

 

Mark had almost opened up about what happened to him in the past. The thing he had forcibly locked deep into the most remote places of his soul was fighting its way out. Something within him was longing to be vulnerable for once. To be stripped away of his walls and everything. But whenever he starts, a lump forms in his throat and he quiets down. His friends look at him and the fleeting image of uncertainty in his eyes and they understand, thankfully.

 

They smile and let him be as if there was a silent agreement that yes, there was something Mark is trying to convey but prematurely.

* * *

 

 

One day, Donghyuck spent a day in Mark’s house.

 

 It happened on a whim, mostly because of Donghyuck bugging Mark that he had never seen his house. The older boy’s hands ran cold-he had never invited anyone in their house. He had no friends before and Donghyuck was certainly the type to nag you until he gets what he wants. So he did it and led the younger boy to their house while watching the warm sunlight kiss the pavement. He looked at Donghyuck and decided that he looks good whenever the sun hits his honey skin. He closed his eyes for a second and just absorbed the warmth of everything around him. He was preparing himself for something.

 

The moment Mark stepped inside their house, Johnny was already dumbstruck. It was very unusual that Mark would ever skip his classes. He was about to ask him when Donghyuck peeked from Mark’s shoulder and flashed Johnny his smile, teeth and all. Johnny was so taken aback because his brother never had someone over. The joy of seeing his brother coming out of his shell and having friends was greater than the urge to scold Mark for skipping his class.

 

“Johnny, this is Donghyuck. He’s a friend of mine from the literature club,” Mark said.

 

Johnny raised his eyebrow because this was certainly new for him. Mark had a friend.

 

“Donghyuck, this is Johnny.”

Donghyuck immediately held out his hand and said “Nice to meet you sir”.

Johnny shook his hand and smiled. “Nice to meet you Donghyuck, I was about to go out anyway so make yourself at home”.

 

The two boys bid Johnny goodbye and went to Mark’s room.

 

“You didn’t tell us you had an older brother,” Donghyuck started while sitting on the chair beside Mark’s desk.

“Well for starters you didn’t ask,” Mark said quickly. “Sorry if the room’s a bit messy”.

Donghyuck rolled his eyes. “Oh please, if this is messy then my room would be a dumpsite.”

 

Mark excused himself for a bit to get snacks and his laptop. He decided that instead of doing nothing, they’re going to watch a movie. He tried to ignore the sudden spike in his heartbeats and the heat creeping up on his face. His hand was _definitely_ not clammy, no.

 

“So how many more things are you keeping from us?” Donghyuck jokingly asked the moment Mark got back.

Mark was absolutely taken aback and their eyes met. “What?”

“Nothing, I was just joking.” Donghyuck looked away when he saw a tinge of pink dusting Mark’s cheeks. It seemed like Mark was not aware that he had never mentioned having a brother to his friends. That thought aside, it seemed so obvious that Mark was blushing. _Could it be…?_ Donghyuck’s thoughts wander.  

 

With that the subject as dropped, they made themselves comfortable in Mark’s bed and they watched the movie in silence. Donghyuck thought the movie was good. It was him who chose Koe no Katachi. As the movie is nearing its end, Mark lets out a disgruntled sound. Donghyuck looks at him and realizes he was frozen in place. The younger boy looks at him and then towards the laptop. A girl was physically and verbally attacking the female lead.

Donghyuck, not entirely insensitive to others around him, pauses the movie.

“Hey, you alright?” He asks.

 

Mark, in all honesty, did not look alright.

 

A few seconds pass and Mark is still not speaking. It was then that Donghyuck noticed that there were tears gathering at the edges of Mark’s eyes. The younger one, completely taken aback, just pulls Mark into a tight embrace and puts his head on Donghyuck’s shoulders.

 

Mark is taking all of his willpower not to cry but the moment Donghyuck starts stroking his back, it was then all his walls crumbled, letting out the thing he was trying his hardest to lock up and forget.

It started with Mark laughing for a bit. Bitter and cold. Donghyuck let him.

 

“I,” he started quietly, “I was picked on by kids when I was overseas.”

 

Donghyuck was taken aback. He had never expected that from Mark.

Mark, who was quiet and had learned to roll his eyes whenever Donghyuck teases him, was bullied as a child. Maybe that explains why Mark was so distant at first, borderline hostile whenever Donghyuck starts his bullshitting banters just so Mark can interact with him and talk. Maybe that’s why Mark was so enveloped in his own world and only comes out of it when someone calls him.

Sweet, caring Mark was bullied as a child. This was a foreign thought for Donghyuck to process.

 

“You can tell me anything. I’ll be here,” Donghyuck softly whispered. Mark’s tears finally flowed without restriction, his shaky hands gripping Donghyuck’s shirt, attempting to ground himself and not let his thought process slip away. The younger boy was there, shirt stained with tears as he softly caressed Mark’s hair as the older boy found comfort in laying his head on Donghyuck’s shoulder as he cried and cried.

 

So they spent the afternoon with Mark finally unloading all the things he had kept hidden, so far from his heart because he knew, he knew that once it bubbles at the surface, he would never stop it from flowing no matter how much he tried to stop it. But Donghyuck was there, and that was all he could ever ask for. It was all he could ever ask for.

 

* * *

 

 

Days passed after the incident and surprisingly, the prickle feeling at the hollow of his throat grew worse every passing day. He tried to hide it from his friends and his classmates but there are just times wherein he would stare off into space and just… lightly scratch his throat.

 

Explaining why he was touching his throat still makes him uncomfortable and at this point Mark doesn’t know what to do. He knows it’s not just normal cough. Mark couldn’t tell anyone. _No_. Maybe they’d laugh at him again and consider him stupid for making up new weird diseases. But he just couldn’t take it anymore. The feeling grew worse and sometimes he’ll wake up in the middle of the night, only to find his hand at his throat.

 

That’s when he lost it.

 

He rushed to the kitchen in the dead of the night and drank water until he felt bloated. Mark glanced at the mirror on the wall. Illuminated by the light from the fridge bouncing onto his face, he saw himself covered in sweat. Mark wanted to cry, what was happening to himself? He was a normal kid. A normal high school kid and he knew he didn’t do anything to deserve whatever was happening to him right now.

 

In a brief moment of panic, he ran to the bathroom and searched for whatever cough medicine was there only to find out he took the last one this afternoon. He knew this wasn’t normal. His mother and father had gone away for two days in order to pay a visit to his grandmother. Mark was alone, Johnny had needed overtime for his work and he felt so lost not even understanding what the actual fuck was happening to his body.

 

His body sagged and he let himself fall onto the floor.

 

 _If only Donghyuck was here_ , he thought.

 

The moment he finished his plane of thought, he felt an extreme itch at his throat. His eyes watered as his throat contracted.

 

 _I’m going to vomit_ , Mark was alarmed. 

 

He rushed to the toilet seat and let his body expel whatever was in his throat. He hurled and hurled until he felt something at the back of his throat. Mark heaved as he felt the obstruction come nearer onto his tongue.

 

_Just a little more._

 

That’s when he felt it. It was soft and surprisingly, it didn’t smell like vomit. It was resting on the top of his tongue and he smelt the aroma from the supposed _obstruction_ just a while ago. It smelt strangely of… _lilacs_?

 

At this point, Mark cupped his hands and let the thing fall from his mouth. There it was—resting on his calloused hands from doing chores, a collection of lilacs that appear to be freshly picked and in full bloom. He was… at loss for words. Who coughs up a bunch of flowers in a normal night? It was frightening and Mark’s first coherent thought was, “ _Holy shit, I could’ve died_ ”. Well, it was true. He could have choked on the petals if he made one wrong move.

 

He didn’t want to die and he absolutely didn’t want to stop being in the literature club with his… _friends_.

 

Mark turned his body around to put the lilacs at the side of the sink that was behind him to let water run through them later. He washed his hands and reached for some rubbing alcohol at the drawer and poured some onto his hands. After the cold feeling of alcohol evaporating from his skin vanished, he looked at himself in the mirror.

 

He took a deep breath and took the small emergency flashlight at the side drawer. Very, very gently, he opened his mouth and angled the flashlight at his mouth with his left hand. He let his disinfected pointer finger probe at his mouth. As far as he was concerned, he felt nothing alarming—well, until he felt his throat contracted again and he almost vomited. Mark felt smoothness on his tongue. He pulled it out and what he saw added to the concern and alarm he’s forcing to keep under bay.

 

He pulled out a single sunflower petal.   

* * *

 

 

A single sunflower petal.

 

After that incident, Mark couldn’t consider himself normal anymore. Maybe he was subjected to witchcraft some people whom he had rejected cast upon him, or the people overseas who hated him so much. No _no no no no_. This was the modern world. Such things wouldn’t exist by now. Maybe he accidentally inhaled some lilac or sunflower seeds when he was young or he accidentally swallowed a twig.

 

 _But sunflowers have big seeds you dumbass_ , Mark scolded himself.

 

Maybe he was just losing his mind and he couldn’t tell if that was a hallucination or not because that happened at around midnight. Mark was a heavy sleeper and he himself knew that. He couldn’t be awakened by such a mere itch at his throat. That’s right. Maybe he _was_ hallucinating.

 

Morning came and he groggily stood up from his bed and made his way to the bathroom to wash his face. _It was a dream. It was a dream_ , he chanted to himself.

 

But the first thing he saw when he walked into the bathroom was a bunch of flowers at the side of the sink he had _supposedly_ washed in his dream the night before. Lying at the side drawer was a small flashlight he had _supposedly_ used to inspect his mouth with and beside it was the rubbing alcohol he had used on his hands— _supposedly_. Mark glanced at the side and saw the dishevelled towel he had _supposedly_ used in his dream last night to dry his face with.

 

 _I am so fucked_ , Mark groaned.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Attending club activities didn’t do him any good. His mind was still floating somewhere. Mark wasn’t bickering with Donghyuck. A project was just around the corner but he just didn’t feel the telltale surge of adrenaline through his veins or the small spark in his eyes whenever he gets the chance to do something that’s required for other people to look at it. As usual, Donghyuck was jumping around and telling everyone how excited he is to have another literature club project.

 

There it was. With just a simple stimulus Mark finds himself detached again, curling into his own shell of uncertainty- _what if they’re just tolerating me?_ It’s not that he likes it. He _absolutely_ hates it. He gets distracted easily these days and he just finds himself getting scolded by Jungwoo to which he bows and requests to go outside for a moment while other club members prepare the materials for their exhibit.

 

Donghyuck looks around the room and wonders where Mark could be. The club needs to have more manpower to make this exhibit a success. Jungwoo was a junior but he was assigned by the seniors, Taeyong and Jaehyun, to take care of the exhibit itself. The two seniors were in charge of monetary needs and planning with the principal. That aside, Donghyuck scanned the room once again. Still, he could not find Mark.

 

* * *

 

 

After that day spent in Mark’s house, it would be callous of Donghyuck to not mind what happened at all. The moment he got home, thanks to Johnny and Mark insisting that they drive him back to where he lives, he greeted his parents and his older brother, Taeil. After taking off his shoes, he went to his room and set his bag down. He can’t help but compare Mark’s room from his. His room was definitely worse that Mark’s. Books were strewn about and he had a coffee cup that was from last week when he was pulling an all-nighter.

 

He rubbed his eyes and laid down on his bed. What was Mark hiding from them? From what had happened he had drawn so many answers but also raised a multitude of questions. What happened to Mark? Why didn’t he ever think about opening up to them? Was Mark afraid that they’re going to hate him?

 

Donghyuck closed his eyes and exhaled. He didn’t know what Mark needed but he knew the boy needs a support system of some sort. Surely Johnny takes care of him. But where were their parents? Were they the type to just give every material thing to their sons without giving the emotional support or needs? This was stressing Donghyuck out and he groans and buries his head in the pillow.

 

It was nothing okay. It was not like he was paying Mark extra attention-he just loved his friends so much that he could not bear to see them cry. Well, seeing Mark cry was definitely a first.

 

_From the moment Mark went inside the club room and inquired about member applications, he looked somewhat distant. But he paid no mind. When he left, Donghyuck asked Jaehyun and Taeyong about the new recruit._

_“Well, what about him?” Jaehyun asked._

_“He seems new here,” Donghyuck muttered._

_Taeyong then emerges from fixing files in a cabinet and says, “Well, he just transferred. He’s from the nearby city.”_

_Donghyuck lets out a hum as response._

_“Well I’ll be going now,” he waved towards Jaehyun and Taeyong and they waved him goodbye. It was time for his class._

That was one of the earliest memories he has of Mark. Another prominent memory was them bickering about prose or poetry. It seemed stupid. But maybe Donghyuck had said something about prose that made Mark scrunch his eyebrows in annoyance and the smaller boy prodded on _and on and on_ about why prose had no challenge to write.

 

Mark had struck him as a straightforward but reserved person. Reserved in a sense that he can calm down despite continuous annoyance from other people but once he snaps, he holds nothing back. Because of that, Donghyuck saw him as mean. Mean, cold, stuck up, killjoy, _the list goes on_.

 

For Donghyuck, Mark went from mean to reserved to soft. Soft? Because he felt bad for judging Mark so quickly. He had failed to take into consideration that this was an entirely new person not used to all of Donghyuck’s skinship or words. Donghyuck groans, loudly this time.

 

“Something wrong there?” a voice asks.

 

The boy raises his head from the pillows and sees his older brother leaning against the doorframe.

 

“What do you do when you’ve been mean to a person and now you’re realizing how shitty you were back then?” Donghyuck said, all in one breath.

“Is this guilt I’m seeing?” Taeil smiles and sits down next to Donghyuck.

“I’m being serious here old man.”

“Well isn’t the natural response for doing something bad, apologizing? Also, being kind and considerate towards that person?”

“Hm. You’re right. But what if he or she doesn’t take my apology?”

Taeil scrunches his forehead, “If that’s the case, you can never have a say if a person has told you that you’ve hurt them. All you can do is accept their decision, then move on with your life.”

 

Those words from Taeil shot ice through Donghyuck’s veins. What if Mark doesn’t forgive him for all the things he did during the early moments of their friendship? That made Donghyuck shudder. Taeil then patted Donghyuck on the back and led him down to the dining room. Donghyuck was still worried despite his brother’s words of assurance.

 

* * *

 

 

“There you are!” a voice boomed and Mark was startled.

“D-donghyuck?”

“Where were you? I’ve been looking everywhere!” Donghyuck was being exceptionally loud today and he was getting on Mark’s nerves.

 

That was bad because Mark was feeling on edge lately. It felt like something’s going to happen sometime. Something bad. He had been feeling it the past few days. He just wants everything to stop because he can’t breathe and everything seems to be at blur, passing by quickly. He’s nauseous.

He was helplessly drowning in a sea of doubt and he was sure he’s just barely holding on. Ever since that day he cried in front of Donghyuck, he vomited flowers every night.  He hates himself. It was like he wasn’t in his body—he doesn’t know it anymore. Mark knew he wasn’t the only one affected. Everybody knew there was something wrong with him but all of them were just afraid to ask.

 

“Are you alright?” Donghyuck inquires, settling his hand on Mark’s shoulder. Mark feels his heart squeeze at the contact.

 

For some unknown reason, Mark feels a surge of annoyance. Maybe it was Donghyuck’s fault that he was vomiting sunflower petals every night. Maybe he put something on Mark that made him like this. A million accusations were running inside his head. He hated it. He knew he was going to have a tough night ahead. The fact that he had something wrong with his mind was already a burden. But to vomit flower petals every night? It wasn’t helping. He was losing sleep. He can’t concentrate on his studies. He felt like absolute shit.

 

“What?” Mark asked blandly. He wasn’t in the mood to talk.

“How are you today?” The small boy asked. Worry was evident in his face and just looking at it made Mark feel the hole in his stomach become wider, threatening to swallow him whole. Why was he asking that anyway? Can’t it be more obvious that, no, he wasn’t feeling good the slightest bit.

“I don’t know,” he breathed.

“Oh come one now! What is it? Did a girl reject you? You know I also have my fair share of admirers and—“

“Can you just _shut up_ for once!” Mark said a little bit louder than intended and at that instant he regretted opening his mouth.

 

The hall fell silent a sound of something dropping to the ground could be heard. Everybody was staring at Mark and Donghyuck. Even Lucas knew this was not one of their usual banters. Even if Donghyuck keeps pushing Mark’s buttons, they knew Mark wasn’t that kind of person to shout like that. Everybody saw them as the closest friends. This was an unusual sight and they knew this would lead to somewhere else.

 

Recovering from the shock, Donghyuck's face instantly changed from hurt to angry. He stood up and bit back with “You didn’t need to shout!”

 

Mark couldn’t take it anymore. He was having a bad day, the next thing he needed was an angry person right in front of him. Couldn’t he just catch a break? It was all too much and the room was spinning and he was spiralling into a million reasons why he had fucked himself up. This was another chance at friendship or starting new and he fuck up, royally. He was going to be alone for the rest of his high school life and people are going to label him as that kid with the weird eyes and weird accent that shouts at other people for no reason and-

 

“Listen, I’m having a bad day and please will you just—“ he tried to console Donghyuck, knowing the damage has been done.

“Yeah. Okay. You’re having a bad day but you don’t _need_ to vent it out on me,” Donghyuck said that slowly but it was evident he was also pissed.

Mark’s blood boiled. “But you’re _not_ the one having a bad day so you won’t understand me you—“

 

The telltale itch was at his throat once again. But this time, I was ten times worse than the one he experienced while he was at their house. His eyes watered as his stomach hurled. Mark’s hands immediately flew to his mouth and he forced himself to breathe evenly and deep. The last thing he needed was to hurl flowers in front of other people—he would be the laughingstock. Mark did not want that, he didn’t want to be made fun of again. He bolted to the bathrooms as soon as he felt the petals invade his mouth.

 

By the time he reached his destination, his tears made its way down to his cheeks. The itch was getting painful and he did his best to cough up, to expel flowers here at the bathrooms. It was much more painful this time. The instant he accidentally raised his voice towards Donghyuck, he felt something gnawing at his gut. But the confirmation that Donghyuck was angry started the prickly itch at his neck. That’s when he felt his throat contracting in a desperate effort to expel the flowers obstructing the pathway.

 

Mark felt his stomach contract and relax until more flowers made their way upwards to be expelled. It was painful. The flowers themselves were soft, but the way his body poured effort in order for him to remove the flowers—it was painful. He constant feeling of his neck being constricted and his eyes watering was making his whole body sag. Before he knew it, he was sitting on the tiled floor as he forced his lungs to take in air as much as possible—breathing ragged and laboured. It felt like something was poking his lungs.

 

After a few minutes of sitting on the cold floor, he heaved his body up in order to wash his face. Mark stared at the sink—an assortment of colours. This time it wasn’t just lilacs. There were also rose and sunflower petals. Things were spiralling out of control and Mark prays. He prays very sincerely that this thing doesn’t get in his way towards his academics, his friendships—his fellow members, his relationship with Donghyuck.

 

Mark emerged from the bathrooms with slightly swollen eyes which attracted a few looks from the others. His eyes scanned the club room. Donghyuck was nowhere to be found. Jungwoo seemed to understand why Mark was just standing there so he made his way towards the boy and told him, “Donghyuck left a while ago”.

With that, Mark thanked Jungwoo and offered an “ _I’m very sorry_ ” towards the others. Thankfully they accepted it and told him if he ever needs help, they will be there for him. They had given him a time off from club duties.

The gnawing feeling at his gut intensified. Mark felt like the absolute worst person. He just wants to kick himself for letting his problems go out in the surface.  _Will he be able to sleep tonight_?

Before going out, Jeno said one thing. “Hyuck said he had stomach ache earlier but I think that’s not the real issue.” After that, he offered Mark a sincere smile that said “I’m sure whatever the problem is you’ll find a way to fix it” and made his way to the others.

 

Mark had a lot to think about.

 

* * *

 

 

It was Sunday and Mark’s parents had just returned from another business trip. The house was once again alive with the usual family chit-chat and talks about the sights they’ve seen. It was a normal Sunday night. The food was great, he missed his parents, and Mark feels _slightly_ uplifted. His mother was evidently jubilant, but sadly he doesn’t feel the same way.

 

“Mark, honey, are you alright?” His mother had a worried look plastered on her face.

Mark forced himself to give a reassuring smile. “Mom, I’m _okay_.”

Seeing through his son’s façade, his father attempted to lighten up the situation.

“Mark one of these days you have to take care of yourself. Or maybe get yourself a girlfriend. We won’t be around forever you know!” His father laughed. Then peals of laughter erupted from his mom and, Mark can’t help it, he joined too.

 

“Darling!” Mark’s mother started, “Stop that! You’re making our little Mark here flustered.”

“Mom!” Mark blushed which made his father chuckle more. His parents prodded further on the teasing until it was time for him to do the dishes. _Thank God_ , he sighed in relief.

 

But somewhere at the back of his mind, what his father said made him shudder—and it was not in a good way. It feels like he’s violating something—something he isn’t even aware of. Mark feels like he’s stepped on something important and the scary fact is he doesn’t even know what it is.

 

* * *

 

 

Days passed by but the guilt was gnawing in his stomach. He had to talk to Donghyuck soon.

 

By some turn of events, Mark was the only one left inside the club room. He resorted to doing his schoolworks there since there wasn’t any commotion going on and all the members had classes.

 

As he was about to reach the third page of his Calculus problem set, Mark was startled by the sudden opening of the door and there was Donghyuck, face illuminated by the sunlight passing through the windows and Mark can’t help but to just _look_ because he looked beautiful with the sunlight.

 

“You’re staring,” Donghyuck stated and made a beeline for his designated table.

“I-I wasn’t,” Mark denied. Why was he jumpy all of a sudden?

“Yes, okay. I have some work to do now if you don’t mind.” The smaller boy took out his notebook and started writing. It seemed like he was preventing any conversation from happening.

 

Mark felt hot and embarrassed and nervous and he just wants the awkward silence to be over and for Donghyuck to say “sike!”. But that moment won’t come and his hands are getting clammy so he wipes them on his slacks and clears his throat. Donghyuck doesn’t look up.

 

“Hyuck,” Mark starts.

“Don’t call me that,” Donghyuck replied. He can also be stubborn if he wants to.

“Donghyuck,” he starts again. His hands are fidgeting so much and he feels his throat getting all itchy but he pays no mind.

“Donghyuck, I’m sorr-” Mark suddenly coughs and his hands fly to his mouth a little too late and there it was, a flurry of petals and _oh God_ what has Mark _done_.

 

While Mark was recovering from the initial shock of suddenly spewing out petals, Donghyuck stares in shock. _Could it be?_ He thinks.

 

In that moment, Mark’s throat constricts not because of the petals but because of the sudden feeling of being small and he just wants to disappear. There it was again, the doubt, the flashbacks of him getting called names, pushed around, _why are you even here?_ Someone asks inside his head. _You are disgusting and weird that’s why nobody wants to be friends with you_ , a voice whispers in his ear and he can’t take this no. He wants to go away and his mind is going overdrive. While his thoughts run a million kilometres per second in his head, Donghyuck looks at him frozen into place with tears falling from his eyes.

 

There was the urge again for Donghyuck to care and he does care but he doesn’t know how to express it enough. All the annoyance flew out of the window as he used his notebook to get the petals out of the table and wipe tears with the back of his hand from Mark’s face. He envelops Mark in his embrace and Mark still could not stop crying.

 

 _It’s okay, it’s okay, Mark, I’m here don’t cry, I’m here_ continuously poured out from Donghyuck’s mouth and he means every word that he said.

 

After dozens of comforting words and reassurances, Mark finally stopped crying and Donghyuck gave him water. He cried a lot and he was thankful they were the only ones inside the clubroom. This would have been very embarrassing.

 

“So,” Donghyuck started

“Wait,” Mark cuts him off, “I just want to say that I missed you so much. I felt really bad when I shouted at you. You were one of the first people here that showed that you really cared, I feel really bad I’m so sorr-” Mark was rambling.

“That’s not the problem,” Donghyuck cut him off. “Aren’t you the slightest bit alarmed that you’re coughing up flowers?”

“No? I’m hoping that this will go away soon,” Mark says.

“Oh my god. You don’t have a single idea what’s happening to yourself?” the younger boy was exasperated.

“Listen here,” Donghyuck speaks in a hushed voice, “you have a disease and yes before you speak that is a real disease. It makes you cough up flowers due to unrequited love. It can get dangerous though if you let the roots grow in your lungs. Usually people opt for surgery to get everything out. But, there is also another solution.”

“What is it?” Mark was definitely curious now.

“You confess to the person you have unrequited feelings for. If they return your love, the disease goes away.”

“What if they don’t reciprocate your love?” Mark asks softly while staring intently at Donghyuck. Mark wasn’t sure if it was a tinge of blush that he was seeing on Donghyuck’s face and it was gone the moment he had seen it because the other boy had resorted to starring out the window.

“Then that’s where the surgery comes in. Along with the roots and flowers, undergoing surgery also removes your feelings for the person.”

“That sounds sad,” Mark was quieter now, and the silence was awkward to he decides to speak up. “But how do you know about these things?”

 

Donghyuck decides to face Mark again.

 

“Well, my brother once loved this person so much. He would cough up daisies non-stop.”

“So did it stop when he finally confessed?”

Donghyuck laughs softly, “No, silly. My brother never confessed. He chose to keep it all to himself. Can you believe the person he loved already had someone else in their life?”

“Oh,” Mark was suddenly unsure of what to say.

“Yeah. Sucks right? He said he would rather undergo surgery than destroy his friendship with that chinese Sicheng guy when he finally had some sense into him,” Donghyuck was speaking softly now, reminiscing the times that his brother had cried to him at night telling him how much he loved Sicheng but Sicheng looks so happy in another man’s arms.

 

Warm sunlight was pouring from the windows and everything seemed so quiet. It was quiet but not the one that makes you feel cold and uneasy. The silence was comfortable. The only sounds they can hear are coming from the steady beat of other people’s footsteps echoing throughout the corridor.

 

“Have you,” Mark cleared his throat. “Have you ever been in love, Hyuck?”

“Me?” Donghyuck was taken aback. “Nah. I don’t even know how love feels like. With the exception of familial and platonic love of course.”

“Oh, then how did you brother know he was in love with that Sicheng guy?”

“Well, my brother said it felt like roots were growing out of his lungs. He was so in love, but the pain that came with it was also strong. I’ve seen him cough up daisies and the way he looked at the flowers, he looked somewhat happy despite the pain. He was so devoted and in love with that chinese guy he’d willingly let flowers grow inside of him and get hurt instead of undergoing surgery and removing all the pain. That’s when my relatives decided to have him undergo surgery. It wasn’t easy to convince him, but thankfully he said yes for the sake of our family and his friendship with that guy. They didn’t want to lose a child because of the disease.”

“Were there times the flowers would stop before the surgery?”

“Hmm. I think yes. My brother would look extremely lively and the flower expulsion stops momentarily when he’s with that guy. But I don’t know what happens if they fight.”

“What do you mean?”

“I don’t know if the flower vomit thing stops only when he’s happy or something.”

 

Mark was in silence. So what he was experiencing was dangerous. He was alarmed and scared. He doesn’t want to die yet and he hasn’t even told his brother or parents about his situation.

 

“So, who are you in love with?” Donghyuck asks innocently. Mark hopes that the little lilt in Donghyuck’s voice means something else other than pure inquiry.

“Would you believe me if I told you I don’t know?” Mark replies solemnly.

Donghyuck looks at him disapprovingly and says, “Oh my god you’ve got to be kidding me.”

“Will confessing to another person make this go away?”

“Mark, oh my god, please tell me you aren’t going to confess to every single person in this school.”

“Hmm.” Mark exaggeratedly rubs his chin.

“MARK.”

“I was just kidding okay. Let’s worry about this tomorrow. It’s already four in the afternoon and we’re supposed to be going home now.”

“Want me to walk home with you?” Mark asks. He just needs something to take up his time so when he goes home, he won’t have to stare at the walls and overthink until Johnny comes back.

“Sure,” Donghyuck answers.

 

So they both clean everything up, close the doors and walk home while they talk about unrequited loves and various stories about other people-those who survived and those who did not and the things they would do if they were ever placed in that situation. But Mark is currently living through that situation, he seems at loss, but he would tell Johnny about this soon.

 

* * *

 

 

The two boys reached the fork in the road that separates the way to their homes. Donghyuck looks at Mark, and then smiles that bright smile that he always flashes. Mark can’t help but smile back. How couldn’t he when this boy in front of him can rival even the sun’s warmth?

“You’re staring again,” Donghyuck says, “and wipe that smile off your face. It’s getting creepy.”

“I just missed talking to you okay,” Mark spoke under his breath.

“What?”

“I said go home safe, Hyuck.”

Donghyuck smirks and waves goodbye. Just when Mark was about to walk towards his path, Donghyuck shouts, “Text me when you get home!”

To which, Mark replies with “I will!”

 

* * *

 

 

Johnny was fixing things in the kitchen just when Mark came in. He had the day off since they were doing a small renovation in the café where Johnny was manager.

“How’s my fave brother’s day?” Johnny leaned on the counter.

“I’m your only brother,” Mark said, a little too giddy.

“Exactly, now care to explain why you’re suddenly walking around here and smiling?” Johnny was smiling now.

“I had a fight with my friend and-”

“You what?!” Johnny can’t help from raising his voice because he was overly protective of his brother and it was very unlike Mark to engage in fistfights.

“Can my brother please let me finish talking first? Since I’m his favourite and only brother?”

Johnny visibly relaxed as soon as he heard the joy in his brother’s voice “Go on.”

“So… I had a fight with one of my friends days ago-”

“Ohhhh so that’s why you’re so sullen during dinner.”

 

Mark gave Johnny a pointed look. Johnny got the message and did the zipper motion with his hands and mouth.

 

“As I was saying, I had a fight with my friend and we made up today. I’m walking around smiling because I really cherish him as a friend you know?”

 

Johnny would be lying if he didn’t see the way Mark’s eyes would glint whenever he says Donghyuck’s name. Perhaps, Johnny may have formed a realization but it’s still too early to speak. He was protective of Mark. He had assumed the role of a third parent to his little brother because their parents work a lot. He had no regrets the way things are now but his past regrets, like not understanding why their parents were away often, are something he does not want Mark to feel. With that, Johnny did his best to make his brother feel he was not alone. It was gnawing at his mind how being at work means he can’t keep an eye on Mark that often, but the day Mark brought a friend home he was visibly elated.

 

“Ugh, earth to Youngho?”

“What,” Johnny finally returns to reality and he sees Mark sitting on a stool near the dinner table.

“Don’t tell me you’re thinking about Ten again?”

“Ugh shut up,” Johnny throws a towel towards the younger boy, “I was totally listening to what you’re saying.”

“Really huh so what did I say?”

“You said I was thinking about Ten again.”

“You’re impossible you know that? And to think that I was pouring my thoughts out for once,” Mark feigned hurt.

 

Johnny extended his arm to reach the towel Mark was handing him and finished cleaning the kitchen top.

 

“Give me a few minutes and we’ll talk about it while we watch a movie. Take out the ice cream I bought from the freezer and for god’s sake Mark you stink go get a shower or something.”

Mark sticks out his tongue. “Johnny, you suck.”

But he takes his bag to his room and showers anyway. Johnny is once again left to his own thoughts while he wipes the wet dishes dry and puts them in the drawer.

 

* * *

 

 

“So what movie are we watching?” Mark inquires as he enters the living room, towel on his head as he attempts to dry his hair.

“We’re watching Doctor Strange. Take the ice cream out for me will you?” Johnny was getting everything ready, fixing the sofa bed, and carefully setting the hot chocolate he made for himself and his brother on the coffee table.

Mark emerges from the kitchen with a bucket of ice cream in hand. He also placed the ice cream in front of them and then Johnny started the movie.

Both boys had their full attention on the neurosurgeon while they shovelled spoonfuls of ice cream in their mouths.

 

* * *

 

 

Halfway through the movie, Mark’s thoughts have once again begun to creep up on him. For the first time since he had noticed his liking to Donghyuck, he wasn’t just pushing them away and repressing them. The truth was, every night before he slept, his mind couldn’t help but wander to the fact that Donghyuck exists. How would Donghyuck’s touches feel like? How will it feel to see him wake up in the morning? Would Donghyuck’s cheeks feel as soft as his hands?

 

Mark wasn’t gay. That’s what he’s been telling himself for as long as he can remember. Whenever he looks at the lilacs a boy gave him during middle school, he admits that yes he does feel sad. But was he gay? Did he like boys? He had one relationship with a girl once but that was short-lived. But still, how does he know he likes boys? Heck, does he like Donghyuck?

 

That thought brought Mark to a screeching halt. Why was he thinking about these things at this time? Come to think of it, he was affected when he and Donghyuck had a fight but was that enough to conclude that he was gay? Was Donghyuck connected to Mark’s predicament? It was all getting more complicated as he thought of it. But what if he was just reading into things too much? Donghyuck didn’t have to be automatically connected to the facts that Mark was coughing out flowers pretty much every night.

 

“You alright there, bud?” Johnny pulls him out of his reverie, “you’re hogging the ice cream.”

“Howdoyouknowyou’regay,” Mark suddenly blurts out.

“W..what?” Johnny was clearly dumbstruck. Mark was not the type to confess his crushes to his brother and how he asks how to know he’s gay?

Mark inhales then blushes visibly, “I said, how do you know if you’re gay.”

 

Johnny has his own share of coming to terms with his sexuality. Although, he does have to hide it to his parents because they were raised in a religious set up. His blood boiled whenever their father would say mildly homophobic things, but he kept it all under the wraps. He can’t destroy the plans he had set. He promised to himself that once he gets stable, he’s going to move out finally and be with Ten. Now, considering that his brother may be gay, maybe he’s going to tweak his plans a little bit. He’s going to take Mark with him if the boy wants to.

 

Johnny looks at Mark a little funny. He’s still blushing all the way to his neck.

 

“Relax, I was just taken aback that’s all. I thought you were straighter than a pole.”

Mark’s blush deepens and his eyebrows furrow, “What?” he half shouts.

“Why would you ask me how to know if you were gay?”

“You’re the only adult around here so…”

“Oh shit you’re right… and it’s not like mom or dad would approve of you being gay. But remember, I don’t care whatever you are, I’d still be here for you,” Johnny pats Mark’s back.

“Would wanting to see how that person looks like while he wakes up next to you automatically pertain to you being gay?” Mark was playing with his thumbs, movie now visibly not of importance anymore.

“Hmm,” Johnny starts, “I too had my fair share of realizations about my sexuality. It all starts with wanting to spend more of your time with them, then you want to hold their hands, then you wonder how it feels to hug them for hours, then you think about wanting to raise puppies together…” Johnny trails off.

“Isn’t that also applicable for when you like a girl?” Mark was dumbfounded.

“That’s the catch; you feel all these things for a boy. That’s how you know you’re into them.”

Suddenly light starts to shed on Mark’s thoughts. He doesn’t understand, he likes girls then he likes boys?

“Is it possible to like both boys and girls?”

“Yeah that’s possible. It’s called bisexuality.”

“Oh…” Mark further descends into unknown territory.

 

He likes Donghyuck. He really does, and he wasn’t blind to his father hinting that he doesn’t approve of gay people. Mark breaks into a cold sweat. The possibility of not holding Donghyuck in his arms was too painful to bear. He has so much love inside him for the boy, so much that he overflows. And Donghyuck, Donghyuck was his home. People have the tendency to keep going back where love and acceptance was offered. Who was he to deprive himself of the warmth Donghyuck visibly radiates?

 

Mark coughs a bit and looks straight into Johnny. The older boy was sporting a shocked look.

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just fixed this fic by separating it into two parts. edited finally! as always, comments and kudos are welcome <3

“What the fuck, Mark?!” Johnny exclaims.

“What?” Mark looks around; there was something on his lap. He started panicking. There were three sunflower petals.

“You’re in love?” Johnny half-whispers.

“I don’t know. Please don’t tell mom about this,” Mark was touching the petals softly. It was evident he was also confused.

 

Despite being shocked at first, Johnny quickly grasps what’s happening.

 

“You’re sick,” Johnny starts slowly, “and do you know what’s growing inside of you?”

“I do have an idea, Donghyuck told me about his brother coughing up flower petals like me. I’m scared Johnny. I’m so confused. I feel like I like Donghyuck, and I don’t know if the fact that I’m coughing up flower petals have something to do with him,” Mark was quiet, like he’s preparing himself to get scolded.

“Don’t be scared okay? I also had that flower-coughing thing months ago,” the older one started caressing Mark’s back.

“Really? I don’t know what’s happening let alone what’s causing this. I just want to get better, Johnny. I just want to be normal.”

“It will be okay bud. Worst case scenario is we have to tell mom about this. We can’t afford to pay for surgery.”

“Surgery? Donghyuck told me about that once,” Mark confesses.

 

“Well, you’re practically in love. In an unrequited love, I may add. Your heart starts longing for some reason and that’s what’s causing you to cough up flowers. The flowers are usually markers or signs for what kind of person you’re in love with. Judging from these sunflower petals, he or she must be a really warm person. Anyway, the roots start growing in your lungs and that’s where this becomes a problem. It might kill you. For some reason the only way to get rid of this is to have your love reciprocated-in short, you have to confess your love. If you get rejected, the roots start growing more so that’s the reason why you need to undergo surgery. Some people never confess and undergo surgery right away.”

 

“Did you undergo surgery?” Mark asked.

“Nah. I confessed, better shoot my shot right? Luckily he said that he loves me too and I literally felt my chest get lighter.”

“He?”

“Oh, I haven’t told you yet didn’t I?” Johnny realized, “Ten is already my boyfriend.”

“What? THE Ten is your boyfriend? That local dance god is YOUR boyfriend?”

“Yes and you could shut up and eat your ice cream now,” Johnny took a sip of his hot chocolate.

Mark managed to get one spoonful of ice cream into his mouth before speaking again.

“I think I like Donghyuck.”

“No shit man, if you’ve only seen how you looked at him the first time you brought him over.”

 

“Johnny, I hate you. But at the same time thank you for being here because I genuinely am scared of what’s happening to me. It’s the first time I liked a boy, also the first time I coughed up flowers, and I’ve only recently come to terms with the fact that I do like Donghyuck. If he doesn’t like me back I don’t know what to do.” Mark was rambling.

 

“Well, theoretically if he doesn’t like you back we can tell mom about it. You don’t have to tell her Donghyuck’s the one you’re having unrequited feelings for.”

“Hmm you’re right. It’s just… really sad you know? I like Donghyuck very much. I want the whole world to know I love him. But also, I am very afraid of what’s going to happen once I tell the world. Will people bully me again? This time would they call me a faggot? I-” Mark was rambling again, tears nearing his eyes because he genuinely does not know what to do. The bullying was getting to him again.

“Listen here Mark. I’m here for you. I don’t want to see you crying. If ever someone bullies you again, I’ll be there to protect you.”

 

* * *

 

The movie night with Johnny ended with Mark feeling so confused that they decided to call it a night. Both boys fixed their things and went to their rooms afterwards.

 

“Mark, if you want to talk I’m just in my room okay?” Johnny leaned by the doorframe, waiting for Mark to answer.

“Thanks. I’ll make sure to go when I can’t sleep.” Mark assures his brother and they exchanged their “goodnight” and “sleep well”.

 

Despite assuring Johnny, Mark knew that he was not alright. His newfound attraction for Donghyuck was terrifying. How do relationships work? Yes he did have experience concerning romance but it wasn’t enough; it wasn’t a relationship with a boy. It was all new for him; the fact that he was aware of his parents’ scathing eyes whenever people they did not approve of walk past them didn’t make the whole situation better.

 

Mark’s bedroom wasn’t that big. It was decent sized, but he can’t help but feel small in what now seemed like a vast space. His unrequited love is Donghyuck (and the moment he thought of that, he coughed up sunflower petals). Johnny’s words still lingered in his mind: his unrequited feelings can literally kill him. That was something that terrified him more than unrequited feelings.

 

Mark figured that he was so used to being an outcast anyway. That’s how it was even before he went back to Korea. Maybe he can do things like Johnny handled his own problem. Maybe he did hold a sliver of hope in his heart that maybe Donghyuck can reciprocate his love.

 

Mark takes a deep breath and buries himself deeper into his comforter. The weight of his blanket eases him into stopping himself from overanalysing things. _Focus on the warmth surrounding you and breathe_ , he reminds himself. Moments later, his almost erratic heartbeat suddenly finds a steady, calm rhythm. The same time as his heart finds its own resolve, he too forms his own fate: he is going to confess to Donghyuck tomorrow.

 

With that, Mark decides to stop gripping his sheets so hard that they turn cold. He cards his fingers through his own hair and takes a deep breath. He was hoping for the best, but also expecting the worst. Mark knows that his plan will only yield one outcome and it’s either the good or the bad. The night’s realizations weren’t really that easy for Mark to swallow or ingrain into his mind, but he needed to. He can control the emotions that he shows, but that doesn’t mean his heart was just as steady.

 

Truth be told, Donghyuck makes Mark experience the jitters, clammy hands, and the stutters whenever he tried to talk to him. Mark had resorted to masking that as an effect of not having an ample amount of healthy human interaction aside from the one he gets from his family members. Having no one to call his friend in the past made him isolate himself; him not being conscious of said actions. It was until Johnny pointed that out that he became aware that he had been avoiding interactions with other people. He wasn’t rude, he was afraid and not many people can deal with that fact.

 

Donghyuck had been nothing but patient when it comes to him. When he says he just wants to be alone because everything overwhelms him, Donghyuck understands. He gives Mark his soft smile, pats his back, and always makes him remember that if he needs someone to talk to, Donghyuck will be there. The reason why Mark does not want the feelings inside him to grow is because, for the first time in his life, he had found someone that he can consider his best friend. Donghyuck looks out for him so much that he looks like he was the eldest among the two. But what they don’t know is that he loud boy with his beautiful smile, when he thinks no one is watching, can look sad. He spaces out for a bit, but when he catches Mark’s eyes on him, clearly worried, he flashes his beautiful smile and Mark’s world just… stops for a bit.

 

Mark was ready to take whatever problems Donghyuck has; the problem was Donghyuck does not seem willing to let other share his burden. That troubles Mark very much.

 

 _One problem at a time_ , he thinks.

 _If anything goes wrong tomorrow, I can still opt for the surgery_ , Mark reminds himself.

Mark was calculating all the risks and he promised himself that he would take whatever is going to be thrown at him tomorrow with open arms. He snuggles deeper into his blankets and lets the warmth lull him into a sleep.

 

 _It will be fine_ , he mutters to himself.

 

* * *

 

Mark wakes up a little earlier than usual; the sun was nowhere to be seen and everything just stood still. He lifts his heavy body off the bed, mind still groggy, and proceeds to do his morning routine.

 

_This is the day he’s finally going to settle things._

 

He looks out of his bedroom window as he dries his hair after taking a shower. The skies looked gloomy Mark eyes the umbrella settles near his study table, making a mental note to take it before he goes out. His mind was no longer groggy and he’s doing a rundown of the things he’s supposed to do today. Go to class, go to the club, talk to Donghyuck and go home. That’s it. Whatever happens after he talks to Donghyuck, he’s going to leave it for tomorrow. _One problem at a time_ , he exhales.

 

As soon as Mark was in his uniform, he made his way downstairs and found Johnny in the kitchen.

“Hey, I made breakfast.” Johnny wipes his wet hands on his apron and gets two plates for the both of them.

“Thanks,” Mark says. He then proceeded to down the pancakes and bacon that Johnny made.

“You don’t have work today?” the younger one asks.

“I do. I’ll be leaving in a bit, after you finish your food. Want me to drive you?” Johnny was chewing his food in a rushed manner. Mark noticed so he just declined the offer and told his brother he’ll walk today.

“Okay, just bring your umbrella okay? Just in case it rains.”

“Will do,” Mark assures.

 

Johnny bids goodbye to his brother and makes his way to his car. Their parents had encountered and emergency and they had to stay in Canada for a while. That meant they were probably near to moving again all because of business reasons, Mark had the choice to go or not because they had discussed this matter already with Johnny. His brother had opted to stay in this house; their relatives were one car ride away anyway.

 

Mark grabs his umbrella on top of the dining table and makes his way outside. He locks their front door and gazes up. The skies still look gray but a hint of sunlight can be seen so he walks on the sidewalk and makes his way towards his school, umbrella at hand. It was going to be a long day. Mark can only hope for the best.

 

* * *

 

Mark had breezed through his subjects today because his teachers seemed like they also wanted to go home. It was Friday after all and the school year’s end was nearing. The club had also decided to cancel their meeting for today because everybody seemed under the weather and eager to just go and sleep.

He was about to go inside the clubroom to look for someone but he caught a glimpse of a boy he knew so well.

 

“Donghyuck!” He called out.

Donghyuck whips his head towards Mark’s direction and smiles.

“Hey Mark.”

 

Donghyuck looks softer than usual today; clad in a sweater a size too big over their school uniform and Mark’s heart absolutely does a little squeeze.

 

“You busy?” Mark twiddles his thumbs, hands starting to get cold.

“Nope. Why’d you ask?” Donghyuck’s eyes stare at him intently and Mark can’t help but get lost in them.

“I-I wanted to talk to you about something.”

 _Breathe_ , he tells himself, _you have to breathe_.

“Sure! Let’s go sit at the benches.”

 

Donghyuck grabs his wrist and they half sprint towards the back of the school building. The benches provided a nice view of the school gardens and the sunset if they decide to stay a little later.

 

Everything seems so calm and Mark was almost a hundred percent confident that maybe everything will be finally put into place: his diseases stops and they get their happy ever after.

 

“So, spill it.” Donghyuck pokes his rib, he was looking at with his doe eyes.

“I-I…” Mark’s head was spinning. The situation was almost euphoric; he can almost feel the roots of the flowers growing inside him recede into nothing.

 

Donghyuck looks at him expectantly, like the angel he always is and Mark’s heart and lungs absolutely _hurt_. So he gathers all his pent up courage and blurts the words fighting for escape from his heart, his mouth.

 

“I love you,” He finally says.

Donghyuck was taken aback. “W-what?”

“I love you, Donghyuck.” Mark grabs his hand but Donghyuck pulls back, cradling his arm by his side as if something had stung him.

 

Mark’s body suddenly ran cold; a familiar itch was working its way up his throat. He suddenly feels lost, as if he was grasping loose threads. Donghyuck’s eyes turned fearful and cold.

 

“I… I have to go.” Donghyuck stands up abruptly and grabs his bag, refusing to meet Mark’s eyes.

 

It happened too fast. Just like that, Donghyuck was making his way towards the façade of the school building, eyes glued to the ground, his entirety visibly shaken. Mark was frozen into place, mind still trying to process what happened: that Donghyuck had rejected him.

 

His eyes look up, the sky was still gray. It was time to go home. So Mark gathered his things and takes the same path Donghyuck had taken a while back. But this time he was all by himself, mind running a hundred miles per second.

 

 _Donghyuck’s disgusted by me_.

 

The sky still looks gray despite emptying itself of its tears and Mark is thankful, because he can let his own fall without any care about being seen. It was a calculated risk, he thought he has braced himself enough for the impact but it turns out he was wrong.

 

* * *

 

In a quaint house just before the main road ends, Donghyuck sits on his windowsill tracing the droplets of water racing each other on the glass surface. He was also shaken. He was afraid. It was the fulmination of all the things he feared. He loved Mark. He really did. But it was… _wrong_.

 

Suddenly the stares of his parents from a certain afternoon flashes in his mind: the disappointed eyes, his father scrunching his forehead, his mother with eyes wide as saucers, then his father holding a belt, then to the threats, “ you’re not a _faggot_ ”.

 

Donghyuck buries his head in his hands. Tears were pooling, threatening to fall. He didn’t want to hurt Mark. He swore he’d never fall for him. It was far too impossible for himself to be accepted by his father, so what makes Donghyuck think his father can accept him loving another boy? It hurts _too much_. His chest feels like being beaten into a pulp and he can’t do anything about it. Donghyuck feels like he’s being held hostage, like everything was so tight and he’s suffocating, unable to do anything that can relieve him of his pain.

 

 _Breathe_ , Donghyuck tells himself. _Remember to breathe_.

 

He wasn’t going to experience the same things his parents had done this time. Maybe he’d rather go with what his brother did: tell no one about his feelings ( _aside from his brother_ ). Taeil served as a fortress for Donghyuck. He was his shelter whenever their parents fought, he shields Donghyuck’s ear whenever their father says something a little too piercing, a little too homophobic.

 

Now, his brother was exiled from their house the moment his father had learned about his feelings for Sicheng. Ironically it all happened after Taeil’s surgery. Their father had found the love letters he never had the courage to send, and Taeil had no choice but to leave due to his father’s threats. That was the second time Donghyuck’s heart broke. The first was when he discovered his father didn’t want a gay son. So he kept it under the wraps, became a respectful child despite being belittled by his father, and everything seemed to go back to normal. All of that just happened a little over a week ago. Donghyuck can still hear his brother’s teasing tone when he needed some help regarding his feelings. He had never felt so alone in this house.

 

It was… tiring to always keep up a happy face then revert back to sadness the moment he gets home. For now, he can’t do anything. He can only hope and wait for ceasefire, one that hopefully leads to everything getting better. But now, all he can do is hope.

 

* * *

 

Mark had reached their house, uniform all soaked, umbrella unopened. Johnny was staring at him, eyes wide.

 

“What happened?” He makes his way towards Mark.

“Nothing,” he blurts out.

“Come inside.”

 

Just like that, Johnny was easing him into the house and guiding Mark towards the bathroom. Mark was still but Johnny was as agitated as ever. So he runs a warm bath for Mark, hoping this could atleast calm his brother’s senses.

 

“Hop into the bathtub, I’ll wait for you outside. Your towel is by the sink,” he tells Mark softly. He leaves Mark’s towel on the hook, then he closes the door.

 

Johnny was worried, but now all he can do was to get a hold of himself, then he can take care of Mark.

 

* * *

 

Johnny saw Mark get out of the bathroom after an hour and he looked so out of it. He decided to leave him be for a while because the last time he saw Mark like this was when he was still being bullied. He had to get a hold of himself too, formulate the words he’s going to say, and comfort Mark in the best way that he can. For now all he can do was to wait.

 

It was an hour later that Johnny couldn’t keep still anymore and went upstairs to Mark’s room. He knocked two times despite knowing that Mark’s door was open, but he still didn’t answer back. Johnny took a deep breath and opened the door himself. What he saw both terrified and confused him.

 

Mark’s bed was adorned with sunflower petals, soft and bright; a glaring contrast to his sullen expression. It was scattered on the floor, on Mark’s bed, on himself.

 

“What happened?” He can only whisper.

“Donghyuck rejected me,” he said plainly, “I think I’m going to go for the surgery.”

 

To say that his heart was broken was an understatement. Mark’s heart was in pieces. He feels like he had ruined one thing he had always yearned for: a friendship. If only he hadn’t been so selfish. If only he had been contented with what they have. He wouldn’t have to suffer like this. Surgery was an option. It was an option he should have just taken. He wasn’t as lucky as his brother, he should have known.

 

“It’s almost the end of the semester anyway,” Mark continues.

“Should we tell our parents about your disease first?”

“No. I’ll just go with them when they go back to Canada. Mom mentioned that that’s the reason why they’re at a business meeting. Lucky you, you can stay here and be with Ten. You basically own this house now.”

“Stop saying it like that. If you still want to stay here, we’ll make ways for you to stay here.”

“But Johnny, I have to take these flowers out of my lungs.” Mark’s voice was nothing above a whisper.

He was right. If ever Mark stays here, does Johnny have the money to pay for his brother’s surgery without his parents knowing?

“Let’s just talk about this tomorrow,” Mark says.

“Okay. Tomorrow.”

 

Johnny was worried but Mark was right, he was in a far too vulnerable state to be rationally making decisions. So Johnny closes the door and makes his way towards his own room, formulating ways in which he can help.

 

* * *

 

Donghyuck sits in his room, pacing. He has to do something, anything to lessen the heaviness in his heart. Maybe he can tell Mark his reasons. Donghyuck can only hope for now that he understands.

 

* * *

 

All throughout the night, Mark forces himself to not think of anything. He attempts to block his thoughts by just closing his eyes and focusing on his breathing. He still has a few more days until the school year ends. That means he also has a few more days to make his decision regarding going back to Canada.

 

Mark couldn’t help it. He had originally planned to sort his thoughts out on the weekend, but his thoughts can’t seem to leave him for just the night. He turns to face the window at the end of his room, the moonlight filters through his curtains and an idea suddenly comes to him so he finally sits up.

 

He grabs his phone by the nightstand and starts composing his thoughts.

 

 

 _Donghyuck_ , he writes _. I just want you to know I’m not mad in anyway. I should have considered your feelings first. I’m not saying this because I want to guilt trip you. You are by far the best friend I have ever had in my life. I’m sorry that I had to ruin our friendship with my selfishness. Don’t worry, I’ll be on my way. You don’t have to avoid me in the clubroom and you don’t have to explain anything to anyone. Goodbye, Donghyuck. You don’t need to worry about me now. I’ll be out of sight soon anyway. I wish you all the best._

 

He finally reaches the last part and types, _Your friend, Mark Lee_.

 

Mark exhales and hits _send_. This was the first step for everything. School ends in four days. He wouldn’t have any trouble processing his papers in school because he can ask Johnny to do that for him. It wasn’t like he was in a rush to start school immediately once he was in Canada again. For now, he just has to talk to his friends to prepare them for his departure and the school officials to iron out the paper works. It was his first step to mending himself although he agrees that it might be a little too soon.

 

The fact that he got rejected wasn’t the only factor that’s letting him consider going back to Canada. He still has the disease with him and he knows getting the surgery is the best option right now. He’ll forget about Donghyuck after some time. Maybe it was a rash decision, but he just feels so dejected and he is willing to take any solution he can at this moment, plus he has a higher chance of survival after a surgery if they’ll do it in a place specially designed for removal of the Hanahaki Disease.

 

His throat suddenly itched, but he was used to it by now. He coughs, and then a flurry of sunflower petals escapes. His hand covering his mouth wasn’t enough to stop the sunflower petals from pouring out. So Mark just lets it be. He has things to do in the morning so he couldn’t care less about the pile of petals at the side of his bed. Mark decides to burrow himself back into his covers. He has a lot of explaining to do tomorrow.

 

* * *

 

Sunlight enters Donghyuck’s room and his first impulse was to grab his phone the moment he opens his eyes.

 _One (1) unread message from Mark Lee_ , his phone flashes.

He suddenly breaks into a cold sweat. Maybe Mark can wait.

 

* * *

 

It was a lazy Saturday morning. Mark was having breakfast in bed after begging Johnny to let him eat in his room for once. Johnny had let him have his way because he was going through something. It was almost unbelievable that Mark was back to his usual demeanour the morning after he let his feelings out. Johnny had always been aware of the maturity Mark carries with him all the time. After he had been bullied, Johnny can see that Mark wasn’t the same bubbly brother that he had. Mark began to revert back into his shell, opting to be alone instead of immersed in large crowds.

 

He couldn’t blame him. It was harder to trust when your heart has been broken into a million pieces despite doing nothing wrong. That’s what worries Johnny now. If Mark will decide to go live with their parents, who will be there to be his shield? But Johnny cannot deny that Mark needs medical attention. He tries not to show his worry, as Mark had already told him a million times that he knows what he was doing; he knows what’s good for him at this state. Johnny decides to trust Mark.

 

* * *

 

While Johnny was contemplating things downstairs (he had no work on the weekends), Mark was upstairs talking to Renjun online.

 

 **minhyung99** : please don’t tell hyuck about this yet

 **injunnie** : why??? and isn’t it too sudden mark?

 **injunnie** : you’ve just become our friend and now you’re leaving????

 **minhyung99** : … promise me you won’t tell anyone….

 **injunnie** : that sounds a little bit sus but ok

 **minhyung99:** gosh it’s not

 **minhyung99:** anyway, I confessed to hyuck last Friday

 **injunnie:** you what????? So you’ve been coughing up flowers because of him???

 **minhyung99:** …

 **minhyung99:** renjun how do u know…

 **injunnie:** oh fuck

 **injunnie** : … since the cat’s out of the bag

 **minhyung99:** u sound like an old man

 **injunnie:** stfu mark

 **injunnie:** anyway, hyuck was worried about your situation ever since he saw you cough up petals

 **minhyung99:** he… was?

 **injunnie:** yeah, hyuck is a sweetheart like that

 **injunnie:** he asked me for help, and I told him you have to confess to the one you have these feelings for

 **minhyung99:** and I already confessed

 **injunnie:** listen mark

 **injunnie:** maybe he was shocked or he didn’t know how to take it

 **minhyung99:** …

 **injunnie:** I’m not supposed to tell u this but he has problems at home

 **minhyung99:** he has problems at home???

 **injunnie:** yes he does. his older brother got thrown out of their house

 

At this point, Mark’s thoughts were racing. Wasn’t Hyuck’s brother gay? He was wishing his suspicions weren’t right.

 

 **Minhyung99:** why **?**

 **injunnie:** his father found out that his brother was gay and apparently their father is a homophobic piece of shit

 **Minhyung99:** what the hell,,,,

 **injunnie:** now, before you get mad take hyuck into consideration ok

 **injunnie:** he doesn’t want to let other people who need him carry his burdens

 **injunnie:** he just told me this because I saw him crying one time

 **injunnie** : maybe he just thought you need him more than he needs himself

 **injunnie** : promise me you won’t feel bad about what I just said

 **minhyung99** : it’s ok. I already told him I was sorry.

 **minhyung99** : I do feel the teensiest bit bad. i am ready for comforting my friends if they have problems

 **injunnie** : hyuck’s got this independent complex

 **injunnie** : you can’t blame him

 **minhyung99** : it’s okay, thank you renjun

 **minhyung99** : it was nice to talk to you about things

 **injunnie** : you take care of yourself mark ok?

 **injunnie** : please give some thought about your decision, we’ll miss you

 **minhyung99** : I’m sorry renjun

 **minhyung99** : but let’s see where this goes

 **injunnie** : I understand, take care of yourself mark

 **minhyung99** : yes I will, you too renjun

 

Mark sets his phone on the table next to his plate and gazes outside the window. Maybe he still needs some rest. Tonight, he’ll contact his parents about staying with them in Canada. It hurts to leave his friends like this, Hyuck too, but he needs to for his own good. He cannot bear to still be selfish after learning the climate in Donghyuck’s home and he knows that he cannot help him. He was just the new kid. What calibre does he have against Donghyuck’s father? What things will his father do the moment he learns that Mark likes Donghyuck? So the only solution Mark can think of was to stay away from the younger boy. It was for his and Donghyuck’s own good. Him staying away would take some of the burden on the younger boy’s shoulders.

 

Mark goes back to his bed and buried his head under his pillows. He needs to convince his parents to take him with them after all. He closes his eyes and tries not to imagine Donghyuck's smile. He won't be seeing any of them anytime soon.

 

* * *

  
It was in the afternoon that Donghyuck decided to check his phone again. He was silently wishing for the notification that Mark had sent him a message to disappear. He had cleaned his room. He had helped his mother with the chores. As usual, their father was out of sight, choosing to type his life away in a corporate job instead of understanding his children. Donghyuck feels a heavy sense of sadness. He misses his brother.

 

While he does miss his brother, he was well aware that Taeil wouldn’t be safe around here. He was thankful for Doyoung for letting his brother stay with them. There, he was safe from all the prejudice their father throws. The night Taeil had snapped was not peaceful. His father saw Taeil mourning over his love lost for Sicheng. Screaming ensued. Taeil said that he doesn’t want to live in their house anyway with a “ _fucking homophobe_ ”. Their father’s eyes grew with rage and he threw Taeil’s clothes outside their home. That was the end of that night.

 

Donghyuck tries hard to not visualize is brother’s hurt right now. Atleast, he was safe with Doyoung. Judging from his brother’s texts, they were treating him well. That’s all that matters.

 

The boy decides to finally open his phone. He was sure Mark wasn’t that kind of person that threatens other people. Mark was kind. He liked Mark. But was Mark safe from the judgment their father will give them? No. He’d probably beat both of them up. That thought makes Donghyuck shudder in fear.

 

With an assurance that he can still trust Mark, he opens the message. His eyes grow wide and his mouth goes dry.

 

* * *

 

Renjun was taking his afternoon nap when a string of messages blasts from his phone. He rubs his eyes and groggily reaches for his phone under his pillow.

 

“ _Hyuckie_ ” flashes across the screen. Donghyuck was calling him. Renjun swipes his finger across the screen.

“Hyuck?” He asks.

“Hey, Renjun.” Donghyuck’s breathing was uneven and Renjun had almost asked him if he was having a panic attack if he hadn’t spoken again.

“Is Mark okay?” Donghyuck’s voice was nothing above a whisper.

“Yes. Hyuck why?”

“Is… is he leaving? Do you know where he’s going?”

 

Renjun was suddenly at loss for words. Mark had explicitly told him that he shouldn’t tell Donghyuck that he was leaving. But truth be told, he was itching to tell Donhgyuck. How could he not when he was aware that Donghyuck does in fact see him more than a friend. It’s just that his environment at home was the one stopping him from being happy. So _fuck it_ , he thinks and spills everything.

 

* * *

 

Mark decides to help Johnny clean the house for the rest of the afternoon. If he was going to Canada, he might as well take the chance to bond with his brother. He was arranging the pillows on the living room when Johnny’s voice booms from the kitchen.

 

“Mark! Someone’s calling you!”

 

The boy hastily fixes the pillows then makes his way to the kitchen. When he arrives, Johnny hands him his phone and shoots him a smile.

 

“ _Donghyuck_ ” the name of the caller reads.

Mark takes a deep breath before he answers, “Hello?”

“Are you really going to leave?” Donghyuck whispers.

 

Mark’s blood runs cold and suddenly he can’t grasp the proper words to say. _Renjun_ , he thought. He was the only one that knows Mark may be leaving to Canada soon.

 

“Hey, Hyuck. I’m sorry, but I’m doing some errands right now.”

 

Just like that, Mark ends the call. He knew he wasn’t ready to talk to Donghyuck about this. He knew that the moment Donghyuck pleads that he stay, his gates will crumble and he will decide to stay. But no, it wasn’t going to be good for them. They had way too many obstacles to fight for their friendship: Mark was sick, Donghyuck’s father was a poor excuse of a father, his brother had just been thrown out of their home. Him leaving was for the better. At least by being less of a burden on Donghyuck’s fragile back, Mark can help.

 

“You alright?” Johnny leans on the kitchen counter, worry painted across his face.

“Yeah.” Mark forces himself to make his best smile. “I’ll just take a break for a bit. I’m upstairs if you need me.”

“Sure thing.” Johnny lets him go. He needs to clear his mind. Tonight was the night Mark decides.

 

The tall boy forces himself to not worry, that Mark knows what he’s doing and he will always respect his brother’s decisions. He was a smart boy and sadly that was brought about by maturing too quickly. But Johnny just shakes his head and hopes Mark chooses the decision that can make his own heart lighter.

 

* * *

 

Donghyuck’s heart was racing. He knew he couldn’t lose Mark. Not anymore. He loved him. He cherished Mark’s ability to take care of him so purely, so unadulterated that he does not demand an exchange. That’s what made him love Mark, albeit quiet and shy, he had compassion in him. Donghyuck had wanted nothing but to hold him in his arms. He knew Mark was suffering from the Hanahaki disease.

 

It was bittersweet, when Mark had confessed. He wanted nothing but to tell him “ _yes, I do love you too_ ” but given the current situation he was in, he can’t freely say that. There were a lot of factors and it involved both of their safety.

 

Oh, how Donghyuck’s heart hurts. He just wants nothing but for both of them to achieve happiness, for himself to escape the chokehold of his father. He wanted to be himself. He wanted to be truly happy for once. He decides to escape, so he takes a deep breath and sets things into motion. One by one, albeit messily, things will soon fall into place.

 

* * *

Mark had finished dinner with Johnny three hours ago and he now lies under the blankets he had brought out from his room. He was situated on the sofa in their living room. His arm was slung over the side of the sofa as he pops some sweets into his mouth. It was a relatively slow evening. He had dinner with Johnny. Johnny washed the dishes. Johnny had retired to his room early because he was tired and he needed to do paperwork the next day.

 

That led to Mark sitting alone in the living room cocooned by blankets while watching Lion King. It was almost the part where Mufasa was going to be thrown off the cliff by Scar when Mark head three short raps on their front door. He pauses the movie and walks towards the door and softly opens it.

 

A brief moment of panic sets into him because what if he had unknowingly let a murderer inside their house and a small voice in his head scolds him with a “ _you’re a dumb fuck_ ” and some other things but it all gets cut short when He realizes that Donghyuck was standing right infront of their doorway, bike neatly settled on the lawn he observes, but with tears staining his angelic face and Mark’s heart just clenches hard he can feel it hurting. Suddenly, sunflower petals were scattered in the air.

 

* * *

 

An hour earlier, Donghyuck had been having the hardest internal debate of his life. He loved Mark. He was well aware of that but so many things are stopping him from running into Mark’s arms and telling him all the things he had bottled up. Renjun’s voice echoed in his head, “ _he might be moving to Canada soon_ ”.

By some god damn turn of events, he had quietly sprinted to his mother’s room and told her he was going for a sleep over.

 

“This late?” his mom asks, rubbing the sleep out of her eyes.

“Yes mom. Please. Dad isn’t here anyway and I won’t get myself into trouble.”

Silence hangs heavy in the air so Donghyuck wills his voice to not break and he mutters, “Please. This might be the last time I’m going to see Mark. I love him, Mom. I really do.”

 

With those words, Donghyuck’s mom visibly stiffens. She was his bastion. She was the one who always shields and hides Donghyuck and Taeil whenever their father shows up and decides to pour his rage of words on his own family. But Donghyuck hated that. Yes, his father doesn’t hit them but he has yet to realize that words can stab the soul. Thankfully, his father had little to no interest in going home and be a useful part of their family. So, his absence was a relief to Donghyuck because in those days, Taeil can come home and talk to them for a while, he can see their mom smile again, and he feels as if the chokehold wasn’t even there in the first place.

 

“Okay. Keep yourself safe. Just know, Donghyuck, that I love you for who you are. I love you and Taeil. I am thankful you’re both my sons. I could never be happier.”

 

Donghyuck’s mom was wide awake now and he pulls her son for a hug. Tears escape from the boy’s eyes but his mother just wipes them, and then tells him to go follow his heart and be happy as she will always be his fortress.

 

With those words, he runs out of the house and grabs his bike. Tears were flowing from his face and he pedals as fast as he can, trusting his memory to guide him to Mark’s house. Thankfully, not much people are driving at this time of the night so he pedals and pedals until he feels his legs about to give out. Then he sees it, the familiar bend, the assortment of potted flowering plants, right there and then, he knew he was almost near his home.

 

He could still see a small flicker of light by the window in front of Mark’s house and he almost cries out of relief. He quietly sets the bike on the ground and makes his way towards the front door. He was not ready for this. Never in a million years will he be ready for Mark because Mark always manages to sweep him off his feet even with the smallest of gestures. Donghyuck was still afraid. What if Mark had already left? What if he was decided? What if Donghyuck will never see him again?

 

The boy almost gets swallowed by his thoughts and so before he can turn his back and ride his way back home, he hastily knocks on the door three times. Five seconds have passed but the door still stares at him back, so he decided to stay for three more seconds and it was then the door has been yanked open. There was Mark, in all his glory, wearing his sleep shirt and baby blue pajamas that Donghyuck’s head rushes with thoughts of how nice it would be to be snuggled up against him.

 

Mark’s face was painted with a mix of surprise and confusion, and then he opens his mouth. The younger boy steels himself for Mark’s words, but instead he coughs up sunflower petals in front of Donghyuck.

 

* * *

 

“D-donghyuck, why,” Mark clutches his abdomen and then he coughs. “Why are you here?” He asks, the followed by more coughing.

 

He hates this. He should be holding Donghyuck in his arms. But instead Donghyuck was the one holding him, holding his face with both of his hands as tears silently stain his cheeks with an apology lingering behind his teeth. There are so many things Donghyuck wants to say, but does Mark deserve to hear all of his stupid excuses?

Does Mark deserve to be troubled by him going to their house at 12 in the midnight, face stained with tears, when he is fully aware that he is the one causing Mark’s pain?

 

Donghyuck doesn’t know. So he just lets his tears fall silently as Mark struggles with his coughing fit, sunflower petals flooding their feet. To Donghyuck’s annoyance, Mark doesn’t seem to mind, smile etching its way across his face and he brings a hand to Donghyuck’ cheek.

 

“Don’t cry,” Mark says as he caresses Donghyuck’s cheek. He closes his eyes before speaking again, “Don’t cry, Donghyuck. It’s okay if you don’t love me.”

 

Those words pierce Donghyuck’s heart and he can’t seem to stop letting everything flow freely: his tears, his thoughts, his words, his love for the boy who looks like the human form of warmth and home.

 

“Stop! Just stop saying that!” He buries his head on the crook of Mark’s neck and he cries.

 

Mark just smiles, trying hard not to cough. He pulls Donghyuck closer to him and relishes the warmth of Donghyuck’s body and the heaviness in his chest that indicates, yes, there is something there that is capable of love and friendship-yes, he has a heart fully capable of loving and taking care of people.

He does not blame Donghyuck that his love can’t be reciprocated. He’s going to miss feeling the way his heart leaps when he sees or talks to Donghyuck. That will be gone once he undergoes surgery.

 

“It’s okay, Donghyuck, don’t blame yourself okay?” Donghyuck suddenly cries harder at Mark’s words.

“I’ll be having surgery soon and you won’t worry about a single thing.” Then Mark kisses the crown of Donghyuck’s head.

“Stop saying that!” Donghyuck says angrily, “I love you, Mark okay? I love you!”

 

Mark was unsure he heard that right so Donghyuck pulls away from his grasp and stand in front of him, meeting his eyes.

 

“I love you, Mark. You are the best I’ve ever had. And to think that I almost made you leave, that hurts me so much. You don’t know how much I yearn to have you in my arms. Tell me your dreams, tell me your pains, tell me everything, because I am now ready to be by your side always. So please,” he grabs Mark’s palm and kisses it, “please Mark, don’t leave me. I’m so sorry for hurting you, for making you cough up these stupid sunflower petals. Please stay here with me. Please-”

 

Donghyuck gets cut off by the Mark’s lips colliding against his own. It was bittersweet and intimate. Tears were still falling from their eyes and their kiss tasted of tears and something sweet. Donghyuck threads his hands in Mark’s hair and Mark smiles and pulls Donghyuck tighter.

 

“I will never leave you, Donghyuck.” Mark declares. He feels his chest become far lighter than when he had started this day. Maybe the roots are already disintegrating, turning into dust as Donghyuck showers him with words of declaration about how much he loves Mark.

 

“I’m sorry, Mark. I just couldn’t bear to think that once my father discovers that I love you, he’s going to kick me out... I’m sorry.”

 

Mark wasn’t angry. He just pulls him tighter into a hug and kisses his forehead. Donghyuck softens at the contact and Mark looks endearingly at him.

 

“Let’s go inside? It’s cold here.” Mark grabs Donghyuck’s hand and leads him inside their house and closes the door. He wipes the younger boy’s tears and tells him that _it’s okay, it’s okay, I love you so much, it’s okay_.

 

Mark turns off the TV and leads Donghyuck to his room. The younger boy was now reduced to sniffles and Mark’s heart suddenly didn’t feel so heavy anymore.

Once they reach Mark’s room, he tucks Donghyuck inside the bed and settles next to him. The younger boy automatically winds his arms around Mark and buries his nose at the crook of Mark’s neck.

 

“I love you, Mark. Sorry for making you wait.” Donghyuck says, sleeping already tainting his voice.

“I’ve waited years for someone like you to come to my life, Donghyuck. I’m sure I can wait for a few more days.”

Mark tucks a strand of hair behind Donghyuck’s ear and kisses the top of his head. “Always remember that I love you so much so you better stop crying,” Mark chuckles.

“I love you, Mark.” Donghyuck declares.

“And I love you too, Hyuck.” Mark answers back, feeling the words slide out of his mouth so naturally as if he had been doing it all his life.

 

…and so the two boys brought their bodies closer, not minding the darkness of the room with the only illumination coming from the moonlight seeping through Mark’s window curtains. Their bodies melded together beautifully as if Mark was meant to hold Donghyuck, and Donghyuck was meant to be held by none other than Mark.

 

Right now, they had no worries. All that mattered were their breaths evening out, the night snatching away their problems for the meantime, and the promise of tomorrow being better than today. Mark and Donghyuck had finally fallen into place. They bask in the warmth of each other’s existence, promising, dreaming with their young hearts that they will face their tomorrows and the tomorrows that come after that by each other’s side-never leaving.

**Author's Note:**

> congrats for making it this far uwu this took me months to write because I hit a wall unexpectedly when I reached the middle. Nonetheless! I hope this atleast made you feel something when you read it thank you very much. (slithers back into writing block)


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